...happy new year...

...yay. i got a new toy. yes. suddenly dunno why at the end of the year; where salary just came out and where people are leaving for happy countdown; i splurge on a new toy which i don care about anything else but i just want it. and yes. i got it. i got my new toy. for the new year. yes.

it was really a peaceful new year for me. pretty great to spend the new year with ty in a peaceful quiet countdown. heck its just another ordinary day which so happens its a holiday. tomorrow? looking forward for a sensational pulau ketam trip with ty and song. planned that for such a long time adi. but i realise alot of things need not to do some much plannng and thingking. its better to grab your gears and go forth. dem i am so happy with my new toy to play with. happy new year...

...its the end...

...the year 2008 has come to an end. and a new year 2009 is about to begin. so what the heck am i looking for next year? its just a turn of the year and its just another day to endure. i do not know whats wrong with me. i have been living in this scene for the past few months. things are bad. people i work with are suckie. idiots are roaming around. everywhere i look, i see idiots. its practically a world full of assholes. sucks. literally. assholes. i have not been on green pasture lately. most of the things i touch it becomes dust. i think i know why. of cos i know why. and i am fcuking hating those people i work with. people laughed at me. people made bad remarks about me. people start telling me what i should do. people start telling me what i didnt do. people laughed at me begging for help. fcuk those assholes. and i am living my live dreadfully because of these assholes who made my life so miserable. thank you people; assholes to be more proper. scuk them...

...help...

...its 10.45pm on a sunday nite and i got this sudden emotional outburst that i cant handle. help...

...msn buddy...

...today i spent the whole morning and afternoon chatting with scs that i almost forgotten how relaxing it is to be chatting and at the same time working. most of our conversations revolves around work anyway. and of course it does help alot when we started chatting about it and "brainstorming" ideas. i got my product brochure done with an excellent concept already. wakakakz. i love msn...

...christmas celebration...

...merry christmas to everyone. mine is not merry. just sad case. but thats my problem to endure. i gotta get out of this mess myself to be able to stand up again; literally to climb the stairs with ease. fcuk my knees are really hurting.

its a dead bored christmas. its practically dead place to be in. somehow the peace and quiet it what i think has made everything different. heck my knee still hurts. heck i fcuking hate this time of the year. its so hard to laugh again. my msn buddy wants me to laugh the hell out of myself...

...towards the end...

...practically the whole year has been filled with so many uncertainties. especially towards the end where life threw me with tonnes of things that is really out of my expectations and without me even knowing it. life was so difficult to endure then. what was pulling me back from the dreadful dead end was indeed those closest to me; who stood by me all these while and giving me the comforting words. it is already dreadful to live by with so many bad remarks and unskillful speech by the people u work with and the people u literally work with. argh. to get them off my nerves would be pushing myself into isolation. to say they are fcukign idiots and stupid, mebbe i am dem too smart. i am indeed glad to have a fren who have been there all these time; though sometimes i feel sad; but he is still "flesh&blood"...

...birthday wishes dear...

...finally i visited dear. happy birthday dear. after a freaking long long absence and freaking busy schedule apparently i dropped by dear's place for a short chat. brought ty along after our short christmas shopping spree in aeon. though the time spent was freakingly short; the catching with dear was indeed meaningful. i so miss matthew. later that night i had a really long chat session in my car. indeed it was a wonderful chatty session to kickstart a wonderful christmas. heck i got presents for the three of them too. merry christmas guys...

...success successful...

...i had the most fcuking irritating trip to sg. with fcuking irritating time i had to endure through and fcuking stupid remarks i have to live with. arghh...i need to jump out from the ship and swim for my life. i fcuking hated everything then. i need to unhook. i need an exit point. i need a trigger. picking up success from lcct at 1 in the morning immediately upon my arrival from sg was what i needed to do. i reached ktm station kl at ten. then took a komuter to sentral and took my car; had a really slow drive to lcct and reached lcct at 1130. since success is not due in an hour; i took a nap and slept in the car parked near lcct. felt like its been ages since i slept so comfortably. i think the unhooking process and the trigger is working. success finally arrived at 1am and send him back. i guess i managed to unhook and triggered my emotions to think from another perspective. or rather i just needed a dear friend to talk to. and success was there...

...i cried...

...30th camp ended with a big blast to my heart. it blast open my heart tortured my soul, drained my energy and despite all the tormenting events i still can pick up the torn pieces of my heart and open my mouth to apologise. and it took me tremendous effort to be able to realise what i have done wrong to deserve all these mental torture. arghh. yea, i did alot of things that may seems to be imbalance to certain group of people. and i am really sorry. i strive to make things right. i am determined to make things better; to make it right. movie marathon with the team turn out to be meaningful. not the movie that was meaningful; but the time spent to trashed things out and openly comment about each other and let each other see our side of the story was indeed momentous. things may not always be what we wanted it to be. but the fact that it is easier to move on now knowing that we are still here to support one another to make things better is far more significant. i had my most memorable leave taken thus far. monday turned dark with a great tuesday sharing...

...crying out loud...

...my tears came dashing down uncontrollably on the last day of lunch. it was real. i could not hold on to it anymore. it was the first time i cried infront of you. it doesnt mean i am vulnerable; it does not mean i am sad, but it just meant that i really care...

...hooked...

...blardy hell. i hate the face. i hate the voice. i hate every single thing of it. shit. i need to unhook...

...un-niced words...

...shoot. been a month since i touch my blog. ever since the *unhappy-state-stay-away-from-asshole-time* the whole of the few months have been quite challenging. very difficult time and indeed i nearly gave up on everything if not because of someone who whispers un-nice words to my ears that got me reflecting from mcd. i persisted thru, i ventured into something that i believe if i am in the right mind would not do. i am just too responsible maybe. but, it does not bring me anywhere other than adding numbers to my age; thats for sure. i need a change in lifestyle.

i need to break free. been a year and three months now. couldnt imagine how much i have persisted thru all these months of the absence of smiley face. i could have just drop all things and left. persistence pushed me thru. responsibility paved my way across. perseverance pushed me forward to achieve more. i still dont feel comfortable with my position right now. i hated all the things now.

i need to unhook from this situation inorder to bring myself to a higher state of more peaceful mind. getting angry at someone is difficult; but not getting angry at someone who irritates you and pisses you off *all the time* is worst. i despise myself now. i need help...