...snow in the summer...

...there is longing, a yearning in my heart.
i reach for you. i know you are reaching for me.
but i cannot reach you. something is keeping us apart.
what is that? i feel like there is a vacuum in my heart.
i am living but i don’t really feel alive.
how can i feel alive without that?
how can i reach you without that?
how can you reach me without that?
we are apart? but we don’t know.
what’s really keeping us apart?
i found out that i don’t have it.
i used to have it. and i lost it. i did not know i lost it.
but i know all the time that something is missing.

there is no life in my life. i feel dead. at all cost.
i must get it back again. without it life is not worth living.
how foolish i was to neglect that and turn all my body and mind toward such superficial things. now my heart is crying.
what a lie i’ve lived. what a waste it would be to live all my life like this.
how meaningless!
can i overcome my wrong conditioning?
have i enough courage to overcome this lie?
can i live a healthy, meaningful life?
am i healthy enough to become really healthy again?
to become a really whole and complete human being again?
to be the person i used to be again?
please love me again...